Hating everything and everyone today. What I hate most of all though, is not being able to just spit out writing like some people can. I hate that I have to care about what I write, that I have to feel some connection. It makes writing things for school an exercise in masochism. I didn't do a paper last night like I was supposed to because everything sounds stupid, even though I'm pretty sure I'll have to come up with something for it anyway by the end of the week. I have to do one tonight and I'm really tempted to see if I can avoid it.
It just drives me crazy. All this pointless writing that has no purpose. That reflects none of my own feelings because my feelings on whatever I have to write are negative or DON'T EXIST. As in, I could care less about this topic but I have to write something. All of it is just this manufactured bs, and it makes me feel so fake.
And I hate that it effects me. It would be one thing if I could just write out this stuff I don't care about and be able to not care about reactions, but it's still my writing. It's still an extension of me even if I hate it and so even if I know it's bad, and it gets flayed apart and critiqued to the max it hurts. It's like someone pointing out a flaw of any other kind. You try not to care but you still do.
I've always had problems with critique, it's the reason why I could never go back to school as a creative writing major. I care too much about my creative writing to withstand constant criticism even if it means well. It's too personal. But academic writing isn't much better. There's that slight disconnect, that feeling of "this isn't really me" but in order to write there needs to be a connection, and it's that connection which causes the critiques to still get to me.
It's going to be a long semester. I have to find a way to get through all these papers without losing my mind, and I'm not entirely sure how to do that yet but I need to figure it out soon. I have enough family stress to deal with, academic stress just makes it all worse.
What's the point of compassion if you can't do anything? I mean, what the hell good is it to want to help, to feel the need to help and hurt for someone else if you can't do anything? It makes me wish I didn't feel anything at all.
There are things that I really need to do today. Like, finish the rehire paperwork. Get a bus pass. Double-check that I have the temporary insurance paperwork so that I can be insured after this month.
I should do these things soon. Some of them today.
What am I doing? Laundry. All the freaking laundry because it is driving me absolutely nuts. There are so many clothes just everywhere in the basement and I don't understand why there are so many. Like, how did they get so many clothes? I know the dressers aren't all empty.
So I'm just doing all this laundry so that I can be productive in someway. And I should empty the dishwasher but just ugh. Freaking housework, man. I don't mind so much if it's just me but everyone else's stuff makes it so much more irritating. Dishes, too. I can't believe how many dishes we all go through. I'm like, really tempted to just get rid of things. Or hide them.
There's also this whole underlying family stress going on that I can't really think about right now because when I do it stresses me out big time and causes me to forget about things I really need to do.
I love my mom and family to death, but the sooner I get out of here the better. I got bitten by spiders yesterday, and have these big bites everywhere besides the other insect bites I've gotten the last week. Dust, insects, clutter... this house is like my own personal death trap. Korea must have really done something to me because I swear it wasn't this bad before.
It's been almost a week but I'm still pretty jet-lagged. At least I assume that's what this is/ The latest I've stayed up yet it 1am, but more often than not I'm in bed by 10. It's annoying because I keep waking up way earlier than I want to be getting up. It's also a little surreal because usually I'm pretty good at staying up late but I just can't manage yet.
My apologies to anyone trying to get in touch. AIM is working again but I just haven't been on late because of the sleeping thing. Will see how long it lasts, hopefully not that much longer like this.
I have about 38 hours before I need to be at the airport. Still haven't figured out my sleeping plans for Saturday night since they kick me out that morning. I was hoping to find a cheap place but they're a bit lacking. I'm really hoping I can just sneak back in during the evening and crash at a dorm-mate's room but I'm not sure if that's possible. Worst comes to worst I'm going to head to the airport and just hang around. I don't really wanna stay up all night like last time but I may not have a choice. I know I'm gonna be sleep-deprived either way, but here's to hoping I can sneak back in unseen!
I'm still just so shocked that the time has finally come! All of a sudden it just seemed to disappear. I've had so much fun, made good friends and memories and all I keep thinking is: I have to come back.
After what feels like ages I have come out of my stress funk! I was getting barely any sleep and had negative motivation. After a good night's sleep, a class where everything I had left to do was clarified and getting one part of a final done I am finally getting my motivation back.
It's the little things. Organizing everything into small achievable-looking things with specific deadlines helps a lot. This is what I'm looking at this weekend.
TONIGHT & FRIDAY Topics in Korean Culture & Language --Group Paper A: Make sure citations are right. Ultimately must be finished by the weekend, but if I get it done early, this is good. (This is the midterm with then end-of-the-semester deadline.) --Group Paper B: Have significant research done for my idea for paper. Have group meeting on Friday wherein we finalize our topic. (This is the final.)
SAT & SUN Contemporary Korean Film --Memories of Murder Feedback Paper. --Western Classic Thriller vs Korean Thriller Feedback Paper. Watch and compare. 3-5 hours movie-watching. Topics in Korean Culture & Language --Actually working on Paper B?
Not going to go any farther than that because I need to take things bit by bit for this whole accomplishing goals thing to work.
In other news, it snowed! Real snow that is still on the ground. I watched people have snow-fights yesterday and took pictures up on the roof of the library. Finally feels like winter.
Somedays I really hate being a procrastinator. All I can do is think about what I have to do and it's like, can't you just do your damn work? There shouldn't be an issue with motivation. There really shouldn't, yet there is. And it bothers me a lot that I can't just switch over and just freaking do whatever it is I need to do.
I have a group paper, movie evaluation, midterm variation and one short skit all due this week. I have more stuff next week but I really have to take it one week at a time.
But seriously I need to get things done. And I don't know if I can get any of them done tonight.
All I can think of is catchy songs and videos. Not good. Need to snap out of it.
Starting to get really sick of OMG SPOILERS~1!1 posts in my Glee communities. Or at least the one I check a lot.
Goddammit people, there's a reason they're called spoilers--because they SPOIL shit. I mean, I might be in it more for the music than the plot, but come on people. Some of us are purists. Glee won't be back til APRIL, I've made it two months so far without reading your damn spoilers I'm not starting now.
+Title: Of Beanies and Inspiration +Author: Izzi, luvmeanddespair +Pairing/Characters: GDYB +Rating/Genre: PG-13, for language and fluff. +Summary: "Sometimes I can't believe you were that little boy who didn't say anything and I was the one who had to say hi to you." +AN: First time for Big Bang fic, and first time posting ANYTHING in... almost a year. Thanking butterflyweb for the beta.